Letter to a Friend

on the pressure to be everything, the illogic of self-induced stress, and action as an antidote to meaninglessness

A few months back a good friend of mine was going through a rough time. It happens to us all, sooner or later. So one morning as I sat and drank my coffee I sent her a version of what is written below.

I asked her if I could use it for my newsletter, and she replied “absolutely!”. So I edited it a bit, removed any identifying info. Here is a newer version.

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Listen..

First, just take a big breath.¹

I can hear you are stressed by the pressures you're putting on yourself to design and live a life you're proud of. I know this stress.. I experience a similar feeling.

It's important to realize the things we have control of. Ask yourself that question. Maybe even write the answers down. When you feel overwhelmed this is an important exercise. You only have control over your actions. Your thoughts will do whatever they want.. You can't always wrangle and wrestle those to the ground. But you can choose what you pay attention to, and you can harness the energy of negative thoughts to produce meaningful action towards a personal goal.

I am going to make a suggestion. I don't always like giving suggestions, but you're one of my most loved friends so I think I can do so. Feel free to ignore it: Take a break from social media. The so-called "insta-therapy" phenomenon is dangerous. And with all of the shit we see and follow online, I believe it makes us feel worse. Why can't I be as happy as them? Why am I not rich and famous? Why am I not traveling to luxurious locations every other week? It's not good enough to KNOW that social media and insta-therapy is damaging, and then carry on thinking that you are immune to it's seductive spell. Because you, nor I, nor anyone else is immune to the potency of an app which is designed to get you hooked by giving you so much pleasure (I use the term "mental masturbation") that it makes your real life seem shitty. It's damaging on many levels. I think if you took a break from social media,it would help you find some peace in your mind. And when you come back, you'll have better control of how much you view it, and you'll be able to see the effects it has on your mind and life. It's similar to abstaining from smoking or eating foods you know which are bad for you. Once you get some distance from it you see how it actually affects you.

Now, about what you want to do with your life: I am no guru, and probably have no business giving you this advice, because I struggle with similar questions about my own path. But.. for feeling lost on you want to do in your life: just pick a path, something you're interested in, and follow it. I know this is easier said than done. You don't have to have it all figured out. You won't have it all figured out. Social media (again) likes to make it seem like all of these young 20 and 30 years old have it all figured out, that they were geniuses. It's not like that. Their lives are hard. Some got lucky. Others might have some talent. Others were born rich. And still many like to show their lives being awesome, but in reality it's not so awesome.

To be proud of anything you do, it takes hard work. If you like tech.. Find a sub-topic that interests you, and build a self study course via YouTube, Udemy, Coursera, read reddit. Discipline yourself to doing it for 30 mins a day. But you have to pick something. Network with people who are a few steps ahead of you, and ask them questions. (Quick story: A  few months ago I was really stressed because I was taking too many courses trying to learn it all, while retiring from the Navy, etc. I was very stressed and anxious. I decided to quit all of them except one.. I focused all of my effort on studying it. That was the test I passed on Sunday. And though that looks like a great achievement (I am proud of myself, for sure) I barely passed. There is so much about cybersecurity (the field I am studying) I don't know. But knowing what I don't know is the biggest win, because it allows me to follow bread crumbs within a niche I’d like to study, and learning comes as a by-product of what I am already interested in. I make connections between things I already like (music, aviation, travel, writing, film) and this new topic that I am studying (cybersecurity). Often the best way to learn a new subject is to tie it to something you already know, and try to solve a problem).

There are no failures except not risking, not trying.

It's never the destination that makes us happy. It's the journey. Such a cliché, I know, but it's true. Because while you are stressing yourself out, your life meter is still ticking. You're going to look back one day and think "what the hell was I thinking, stressing myself out? How does it help?" and you'll realize that it doesn't help, didn't, never will. So.. You have to make a choice to follow something you're interested in and do it. You are exploring the world and yourself. If I listened to all of the gatekeepers (all over social media!) I would have never pursued cybersecurity, never played drums in bands, never have started my newsletter and podcast, never worked on this short film a partner and I just completed. In all of these things, I initially had no idea what I was doing. I often still don’t. But I'm interested in them, and I don't let a lack of knowledge stop me. That'll come eventually. Right now I am going on pure interest, pure exploration of what I enjoy.

Nobody has it all figured out. If they say they do they are full of shit.

We always compare our worse selves, or our beginning selves, to what we see as the best in others. Remember: we don't know what kinds of pains and disturbances and trials these people are going through. Maybe they are going through the same things as us. Maybe worse. But just as you can't see their insecurities, they can't see yours. Know this: Your insecurities are lying to you, making you think that you can't do anything, that you're not talented, that you have no skills. Sometimes we have to sit with our insecurity. Buy it a coffee, invite it to sit next to us and to have a chat. Or sometimes we can sit with it on a busy street corner of a mid-city café, not saying a word, just watching people and scooters and cars pass by. And yet.. sometimes we have to tell our insecurity to fuck right off. It is helpful to know.. We all have these insecurities. And those who pretend like they don't have any likely have an even STRONGER insecurity mechanism.

We can best fight it by understanding that it exists, and doing what we want anyway. Doing the work by studying, building a business, going to the gym, tending a garden, learning and playing an instrument, writing, shooting a film, exploring a passion. Those days you do these things are when insecurity and resistance fuck off.

When you discipline yourself, they lose. But every day it's a battle.

And my lovely friend, it will always be a battle. Some things get worse. Some get better. But there is always a battle going on. You have to decide to get up, and take care of yourself. No one will do it for you.

If you know you're not consistent, double down and make yourself accountable. And when you really feel like you don't want to do XYZ, or NEED to do XYZ.. then that's when you really gotta do it. Even for 10 mins. Because you're doing it for your real you, the spirit you, that part of you which pumps life into the body you have. That's how you feed this better part of you, by beating your ego, that dark side of yourself that exists within us all.

You are talented, you're funny, you're a beautiful person. You can do it. I believe in you.. You just have to believe in you. You're only stuck if you don't even try, and that's no way to live a life.

So forget about living in a castle, or not being able to go to the Met Gala, or being a tech billionaire. Focus on you, right now, today. Love yourself, and know that it's going to take a lot of work, inner and outer, to get there. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself like you would your sister, or your best friend. You love them.. But you also give them hard truths.

Love you, my friend.

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1. When I see this advice I usually roll my eyes. But I’ve recently read some stuff and watched some videos that made me consider the importance of deep breathing, how it affects the parasympathetic nervous system. I am no expert, but I try to believe those who are.